Mens in the bathroom

Tell me I am going crazy or I have become the nagging wife my husband have changed a lot since we had the baby and more recently now that she is 8 months. The changes is not a good thing I am terrified maybe my feelings have changed towards him if I can't priortize him now I make it up by cooking his favourite food scheduling our alone time and trying so hard. But he just ignores everything like I don't know what to do. Sleeps in the couch everytime at night spends a lot of time in the bathroom on a weekend it feels like he wants to check out a lot more than usual or he just doesn't want to be here anymore. HELP don't know what to do this is a new territory our relationship has never been tested like this. IS THIS MARRIAGE.

Strange compliment

I have been reading a daily devotion on marriage seems my marriage can use some refill. As it turns out I read something that said complimeny

I won't ever do wrong by you / Grieving the Holy Spirit

So what does it mean to say that you won't do wrong by me that when you choose someone else to marry while you were with me and telling me that you won't ever marry giving me the illusion that I have no way of continuing in this relationship. So what does it mean you won't do wrong by me when I get to be treated like a door mat and no phone call or text no attention like I am someone that matters to you. So what does it mean that you won't do wrong by me when you explain the love you feel for the person you chose the love you never showed me the time you never gave me the way you never treated me. So what does it mean that you won't do wrong by me that you come and take me to expensive dinner believing that you can ask me to bless your relationship on my birthday, when you didn't even have time for me when you were with me.

So what does it mean that you won't do wrong by me when you call me to discuss your problem so I can maybe be there when you are out if balance or confused. So what does it mean really how did I come to this point where you call me to tell me all the problem you could be having with your love when I am suppose to be your wife.

Then I started thinking how I grieve the holy spirit everyday, How I keep on praying that I love you to Jesus and I keep on deciding other wise every minute. How I keep on doing wrong by the holy spirit by not paying attention every time and decide to love something else other than my God. How I decide to pay attention  marry and love other than holy spirit and come to ask Jesus to help me when I am having a hard time there. Who am I married to Who do I love the most, who am I committed to who do I pay attention to most. How I have been denying my time to Christ when he took the time to die for me, he took the time to come down from heaven to explain and show me how much he loves me. How do I go past a day without committing to you without loving on you with out giving you attention with out having to hurt you before you decide to leave me and marry someone else like all the other guys I ever dated.

No Cindrella Exists

Well there goes another heart break again I can no longer say I am surprised or rejected no more. I am more sure today than ever that I don't know Love or relationship. I must have been in fairland or in my own world when I thought I was loving and when I thought I was in relationship with a man that I love and loves me. The thing is now I am not even sad or bitter, I am more sure than ever that I need to start at the bottom first, Love myself Love my family mostly Love God faithfully if I am even going to say I have loved in my life.

Maybe the thing is when I loved I loved like Cindrella that I will love be loved and be transformed to a fairy princess that the Prince comes and rescues me from everything that has ever been uncomfortable sad and a struggle for me. Wow have I been dreaming too much for way too long why was I unsure and sad and believed that, did I not believe in Love trust and my rescue and Savior Prince is Jesus.

So I have what I have what I am no matter the size is what I got from the blessing God gave me how am I dreaming of a Prince to rescue me to the blessings that only I have and some other people only dream and pray for. I prayed for everything and God gave them to me out of his abundance and when I prayed some more He gives me those too, but the moment it starts to become heavy weight and a little bit of a challenge then I have to turn my back on it and ask God for a Prince to rescue a Pricess and transform her like a Cindrella.

Turns out life is not like that no Prince will ever rescue me not a man I date and end up marrying anyways, he is just not there as a prince to rescue me he is only gone be a man a company for me, he doesn't have all that it takes to be a Prince to save damsel in distress. Only one being have that power thats Jehovah Adonai he is my savior Prince who rescues me everytime. He leads me in places he knows that I will grow in that I will be challenged in that I will be able to increase my potential in loving more giving more.

Jehovah rescues me from myself, gives me strength to love when I am not even loved back, ask for forgiveness when I have done nothing wrong, help when I have nothing to help with. He is a miraculous God when I come to think of it I love when I am not loved because I was loved and saved when I didn't even Love by Jesus. I was forgiven when I didn't forgive my brother and sisters. I am blessed and loved and rescued and there goes my Cindrella story.

Love letter to Jesus Jehovah Adonai

Is not like dating man relationship, I love you differently. You are always there keep me warm when I am cold, you give me strength when I am weak. You give me hope and light in this dark broken world. What a lucky girl am I to have you in my life. What did I do to deserve a love like yours.

Nothing I say or do can ever explain everything that you do for me, the way you treat me and the way you love me I don't have have words, I am speechless and tongue tied. You know exactly what I am like I am not even good and didn't do good by you but you still show how burning fire your love is for me.

Come to think of there is nothing that I have done that I can think of I am not really sure I have anything that I gave so he can give me all this. In my mind I feel like a Cindrella all that mattered is my name and boom the Prince Charming likes me loves me and marries me.

Your promises are never ending and I believe everyone of them I trust you have only the best in store for me. How can you love me like that.

Jesus to me you are amazing you are loving you are everything I have asked for and more, I am more satified with you than anyone else, I love you too.

I am not good on a lot of things but with you I will do whatever it takes to prove to you I love to show you I will be there for you as much as it takes, I am

Economics is Accurate "No Such thing as free meal"

I get it now there is no such thing as free meal, humans will definitely get their money their energy their efforts worth. It is not necessarily bad actually literally every single one of us are normally like that I only know one person who can really just give and never ask to take. Starting from me I actually give so I can take later I maybe be selfish sometimes. And I think my lesson for this life time is this because I keep on getting the same type of test over and over again and I definitely failed it more than two times going to three times.

But the second time is so weird that I didn't even see it coming. Okay I am talking about the guy I dated more than a year and I thought would actually marry me or loved me for real turned out to settle for someone else who is not me. And the weird stuff is that he wasn't sure he wanted to get married when he was with me and that he is telling me he is marrying this girl 4 months after he told me that. He kept on saying he can't talk to his kids and stuff like that well he is now gonna do that and more. He told me that he decided to wait on a lot of things with her and that she agreed that she will be a stay home wife and not work at all. He said he is buying a bigger house because she wants 6 kids. He said she wants to go to church and not the club. He told me that she listens to him and that she works out because he told her. She is not here actually she is coming to US with his mom and dad he already finished the process for her. He told me that his ex wife called and congratulated him on his new marriage. I think he is already married and he asked me to bless him. And All of this is weird I know I didn't want to marry him and that I was hesitant and he was really treating me like I was nothing to him. His character definitely made me walk away I hope he treats this one right.

But here is the thing the first I dated did the same thing and he was more than hurtful he just met her on the phone then as soon as he visited and met her he decided to commit and decided to choose her and completely give in. I know its crazy but both of these men decided to commit right after they dated me so I am definitely the common denominator. Am I that mean and cruel I know there is something that I can't see but that I keep on sabotaging myself.

So what is it how did I get here from shy principled decent girl who can't express herself to this girl that all the guys I actually dated and put effort in never committed to me and in fact were hesitant and next girl they met decided to marry right away. About this one I think he just hang out this long to get back his money worth and I gave it all back now I can't even ask him for a job because he will give me out of guilt and that will never work out. My brother is so smart he wouldn't work with this guy because he realized that he will get his moneys worth whenever he gets it. The other guy was hesitant I think he just backed up maybe because of my character is a bit flaky and that I wasn't exactly like what he thought.

Why believers can't be with Unbelievers

Today I came to realization that darkness and light can't really make it work. I have been dating non Godly man  for a while now from March of 2016 I started talking to him seriously. But before that I was not really interested because he is not christian.But I was also under pressure from my family to get married, I was really just going with the plan I had to get married by 28 and I was only looking for a serious man who will marry me. And then I found this one and it turned out that I am really not Godly either. I didn't give Jehovah Rohi to lead my path to make me lie down in green pasture and lead me beside still water. Instead I lead myself and now I can't even see my self as anything but a failed believer a complacent a non committer a non aggressive a lot of things that is in darkness than there is in light.

Now I see why I can't date a non Godly man, he seems to miss the whole point of being with someone that is not christian. Being a christian is all about persuing God  Jehovah and Jesus together with the person you date and eventually marry, you only have one intention and thats marriage and thats why you date. But the non Godly man just persues selfish agenda he doesn't think even once about God and his input in the relationship what it means to keep the relationship in pure state. And I am not saying I am good too but me being the only one with that Christ vision in my agenda only leads to failure. Lust is great enemy and it can only be won when the two are actually battling it out, other wise me being the only christian  in the relationship trying to persue sexual purity means I will be battling three enemies the unintentional non believer person I am dating, lust itself and in my head believing I am in love with this guy. In that I didn't call Holy Spirit to come help me so I lost the battle and ended up having mini sex of kissing and touching. And I wonder am I ever gone win this battle am I only destined to fail it, keeps on happening and I dont know if I can ask God to forgive me again I will despise myself and I wonder what my fruit will be.

Jehovah Rohi please lead me I now realize I can't date this man who makes it okay for this situation who is unintentional about persuing this with out Gods permission, the only hope is even a christian man if he is not intentional about giving God the priority to actually be the one who leads and gives us this feeling of wanting to have sex to kiss is permissable and a gift from Jehovah I don't want to persue.

I am human I have fleshly desires so does the man but God comes first if we both intentionally wait until its okay to do so. And thats when the strength to stay pure becomes stronger if the man you are dating understands that Christ is the priority in this relationship. The only other enemy left to fight is lust, when in crisis Holy spirit makes the walk easier.

I am gona give up on my plan on my guy and on my desires all of it to Jehovah the God of greatest Kingdom and the only Kingdom I will come and Bow to and say Lord Jesus do with it what you will I am just a servant in this Kingdom only here to bear fruit of this Kingdom It is all in your hand. I am done I have failed.